A day of bleh

 The future 

The thoughts of the future make us all insecure. Although you could have a good job, children to keep yourself more busy, a loving husband or wife and in-laws who are well nice, great friends, all assets like a luxurious car, a big house and a good bank balance. 

But under the mountain of responsibility lies your personal time, hopes and a big to do list. You cannot move the mountain alone, would need a force of people to tie it and pull the rope in an opposite direction. You would just quickly Bend and pick up your paper, the only sheet of paper where you will have all your answers. But even if you See that happening and manage to slip that golden paper out of the mountain, as just as you have the golden sheet in your hand, the ink on the paper will be all washed away due to rain? Or something? And all that effort of impressing people, befriending them and convincing them to make that mountain would go for a toss! Its a lot of work down the drain 

And then I sometimes feel, do I even need that paper? Life is well... unpredictable and Covid has taught me that. So here I am living life to the fullest or living like a fool - I am shopping, doing whatever I want, eating whatever I like, trying to be happy and not overthinking because we'll life is short and may end when you think all's under control and the future is secured! Ok I might be exercising, having multi vitamins or making some FDs but well life is unpredictable!

Instead of fighting for my rights and making everyone see the wild animal in me I decide to tame that wild animal and only curse in seclusion, every single second. I got my yearly checkups done, uric acid was a bit more but still Something inside of me seems dead. I don't care about future, anyone having big aspirations or ambitions annoys me! Everything annoys me 

Silence 

Some days command silence. Not grumpy not overly enthusiastic not emotional over remembering the dead or after reading the news...just silent. It helps me numb. Its one of those days where you get up, just follow your routine and spend the entire day like a clock..just ticking and doing your job. You don't care what others feel. You don't give a damn about the the world. Just priotitize your most important work and keep going. I learnt this from my father who works in this mode. No emotions. No fucks given. Just the job done and then taking a sigh of relief by doing your thing - walking or watching a series BUT not telling anyone about anything. Explore yourself and seclude yourself some days. Your quietness makes your family curious and when they ask is something wrong? Just say you have a headache so that they leave you alone again! Enjoy the silence in your head for a day, it feels good to be swamped in your own thoughts and cleaning your temp files for more memory!

The breakup 

Social media is the biggest distraction ever. I deleted Facebook, instagram and twitter for a day and I am feeling as if I don't have anything that's good enough to entertain me. The gram was ruling my life. Im sad in the first place but it looks like a breakup with a person who never appreciated me but always showed me that others are in a better place than me!

I think I will move on. But the gossip and memes and stories and stalking people I would never in my life meet, maybe ignore them if I come across them by hiding behind something big, bigger than my ego. But I'm feeling a bit lost today, maybe I would need to make a priority list which says number 1 - get a life, number 2 - fuck off laptop and number 3 - I just need a damn holiday. The likes and awws and a little hope that a crush would like my status or send the most easily available or recommended emoji! Im better than that!